Back To December.

I'm so glad you made time to see me
How's life? Tell me, how's your family?
I haven't seen them in a while

Kevin looked up into the face of the man he had married, the man who had taken his first kiss, his first time, his first everything. "Hey..."
Rick looked uncomfortable, as did Sydney, the women he had his arm around. She gave him a warning glare and stepped off to greet er parents but not before kissing Rick sweetly, softly.
It almost brought Kevin to tears.
"Hey Kev." Rick nodded to him, his hands in his pockets as he stood there awkwardly.
"So...How is it with Syd?"
"Great! I love her so much. She is everything I have ever wanted and more." Rick lied through his straight white teeth. It was hell. He missed Kevin, it hurt to be without him. Hurt to kiss and love her like he had Kevin. The smaller nodded, his heart aching but he was glad Rick was happy...He thought Rick was happy. Sydney wasn't sick...He was. Sydney could so so much that he couldn't.
"How is your brother? And your mom and dad?"
"Good, Chris is such a girl now because of that hick bastard. But they are alright and momma is great, just as always and daddy is as good as he could be while dealing with momma." Rick paused. "How are yours?"
"Good." Kevin shrugged, they were actually doing pretty good. It was calm around the home, quiet. Maybe because they knew something was missing...Rick was missing.
"Well great...I haven't seen them in a while...I miss momma."


You've been good, busier than ever
We small talk, work and the weather
Your guard is up, and I know why

"So what about you Rick, how have you been?" Kevin rocked on the balls of his feet.
"Busy with Sydney and Zac but good."
"I hear you and Syd are getting remarried...Congratulations."
"Yeah..." His eyes were dark, his guard up, he was clearly to wanting to brush this subject.
"Yeah, imma give her the last name back and retie the knot before she worries me to death about it."
Kevin nodded, it was quiet for a moment, the kind of quiet that made you sad...
"How about you Kev? You and Levi ever hook up?" Rick hated Levi...so much...He didn't even want to know the answer to this question.
"No. I am not into him anymore. He knows that and I am fine. My days are slow and full of medicine and Jr. Nothing new." He was lonely all the time and cold at night in bed alone. He wanted his baby back, both of them. Zac and Rick...He wanted his life back but it had ended, and not like most people die...
"Look Rick, im done lying. I miss you...I want you home...I...I think I was wrong...I mean...I...I don't even know..."

Because the last time you saw me
Is still burned in the back of your mind
You gave me roses, and I left them there to die

Rick shook his head. "Kevin..."
But Kevin didn't want to stop, he was determined to get this through with. He needed to let Rick know even if it didn't change anything. He wanted Rick to kn ow he loved him and he had been so wrong. Rick was meant for him, they were so right for each other. He couldn't grasp how he could ever think they were wrong but he had and that made him leave Rick. Rick didn't give many second chances, not even to Kevin so he didn't even want to sit and listen to this. It hurt and if he did he was sure to forgive the younger man.

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time

"Kevin stop it. I don't wanna hear it. You were the one who ended things, not me and im not going to take you back." Rick looked away from him, trying to get the pain out of his voice. Sydney watched them from her fathers lap. Had she known what they were talking about she would be up there beside Rick, trying to beat Kevin's ass.
"Please! Just hear me out Rick. I just...I want you to know that I love you so fucking much and I was so wrong for what I did. I...what I said was wrong. Me and you were right and now I see that. Its to late but still...I want you to know that I love you more than anything and ill never move on from you. Never ever! Rick you are the only man to ever be inside me, the only one to kiss me and I cant ever let that become untrue." Kevin was in tears by the time he finished his little out burst.

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December all the time

Rick shook his head, brushing pass Kevin on his way to the door. "C'mon Syd." He barked, trying to go before he felt tears welling up in his eyes like he knew they were about to. "And get Zac please."
Zac of coarse was against leaving. He had just gotten here. He hadn't even gotten to say Hi to his mother...To Kevin or talk to Quincy or his grand parents. Sydney had to drag him from the house to get him out. Kevin never did get a Hi or Goodbye hug and kiss from his baby but at the moment, he really didn't feel like he deserved one from Zac. Kevin just sobbed, running pass his family and up to his room, leaving his mother and father, the whole family, quietly shaking their heads and wishing something would happen to get him and Rick back together so the two wouldn't be so miserable anymore. Both of them just seemed so lost without the other one there holding their hand. Sure they all loved Sydney but Rick and Kevin were just mean to be together. Like the second coming of Mike and Alex without the Lane unless they wanted to ass Sydney in as their Lane. Either way she could never come close to being as perfect with Rick as they all knew Kevin was. Mike looked over to the coat hanger, frowning as he realized Rick's jacket still hung on the hanger. It was cold outside right now...
But he would call Rick later, he knew his baby was upset right now.

These days, I haven't been sleeping
Staying up, playing back myself leaving
When your birthday passed, and I didn't call

Kevin had thrown himself onto his bed, holding onto his pillow and weeping heavily into it. His sobs rattling his lithe chest and damaging his throat. Hot tears making his eyes puffy and pink, red around the edges. A whole week had gone by since they had saw each other that that family get together and Kevin just couldn't seem to sleep, not like he had been doing good with it before but now he just...Couldn't because all the thought of was Rick and Sydney. Rick not being with him. Just Rick and it hurt. It made him long for what used to be and think of how he would never have it again. He replayed their break up over and over again in his head, wondering if it had been the right thing to do after all but he knew in his heart that it wasn't. It had been the worse thing possible he could have done and he knew that, everyone knew that. Rick's birthday had been a day ago. They all threw a big party down stairs for him. Kevin as the only one who didn't attend. He didn't speak to Rick at all. Didn't call him, didn't ask his mother to tell Rick happy birthday for him. This was weird for him, no matter what he always wanted to wish Rick a good happy birthday. But he didn't figure Rick wanted to hear it from him anyways.

Then I think about summer, all the beautiful times
I watched you laughing from the passenger side
And realized I loved you in the fall

Kevin giggled through his tears as another thought came to mind. Two years ago on Rick's birthday. It was summer, they were going swimming, him, Rick, Zac, And Jr. The whole family but they were riding together in Rick's truck. At this time he and Rick had bee having problems, done nothing but fight truthfully but today was different. Today was a good day. All they did was laugh and play around all day. That was the day he realized that he did love Rick, more than anything. That was the only day he felt as if they would be okay and make it since he had started saying they were wrong. One of the rare days when Kevin didn't need anything for his horrid medical problems. It was normal. They were being a normal family for once.
Kevin cried harder, why couldn't that had lasted? Why couldn't they have just stayed like that forever?
He didn't know, all he did know for sure was that it hurt him to think about it and he wanted to stop, only thing was that now his gears were turning and they wouldn't stop.
He remembered all the times Rick made love to him, said he loved him...Held him...Kissed him...It broke his heart. He wanted his lover to come back. He had made a mistake...
And it could never be fixed.

And then the cold came, the dark days
When fear crept into my mind
You gave me all your love, and all I gave you was goodbye

Kevin bowed his head, remembering the day he had left, remembering what brought that on...

Kevin stormed into his room,slamming the door shut and throwing himself onto his bed. He and Rick were fighting again, they were always fighting now days but right now it was Kevin's fault. Kevin was sick, he had again neglected his medicine and had a seizure. Of coarse his lover had been out of his mind with worry and it showed. Kevin couldn't like it. Rick was crying over him, scared he was going to die again and Kevin just couldn't stand it. He had told Rick they were wrong again and again until he had screamed and just walked away. Kevin can't really blame him, he knew Rick was hurting and in his mind if he could just get him to leave then he would be so much better off. That's what Kevin wanted, he wanted Rick to be happy, he wanted Rick to not always be worried about him...
So Kevin packed his things up, not his things but Rick's and he called his sister. No he didn't like Sydney but he knew Rick loved her and Rick had been happy with her at one point in time. Kevin wanted that for him. Kevin wanted him to be happy...He couldn't say it enough.
Plus Sydney was healthy, she could do things for Rick he just couldn't.
Kevin had him all packed and had Sydney in the living room waiting when Rick came home. Kevin hadn't thought Rick would come home with roses for him, yellow ones because Rick was one of the only people who knew he hated red roses.
"Kev?" Rick noticed his things by the door and Sydney in the corner.
"Rick baby...You gotta go. We can't be together anymore..."
"Wh-What do you mean Kevin? I...I love you...We...No..." He shook his head. "No!"
"Rick baby its for the best..." Kevin reached out to touch him only to have Rick slap his hand away.
"Don't touch me! You know what? Fuck you!" Rick threw the roses at him and turned on his heel, running off.
Sydney stood up and looked at Kevin, going up the stairs and grabbing Zac, forcing the screaming child out the door with her to find Rick.
Kevin was left standing alone in the door way, snow cooling his tears and perfect yellow flowers at his feet.

So this is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December all the time

Suddenly Kevin just felt sick. He stood up and quickly made his way to the bathroom, under the impression that he was going to puke but that wasn't the case. He just needed to get up and move, he was tired of laying around and crying. His sickly body couldn't take it. Kevin needed exercise, something he hadn't had since he and Rick said goodbye. So Kevin stood up, took a deep breath, calmly made his way out of his room, past his family, and out of his house and then he proceeded to run like hell. Kevin just ran, in the back of his mind he though of himself as Forrest Gump. He didn't know why, he just felt like running and so he did, Kevin Riley ran from his home, through Zac and Quincy's park, past Dustin's house, past Quincy's house, past Quinton's house, all the way out to Mr and Mrs. McDaniel's large home and then he kept on going. Kevin only stopped when his legs gave out on him and he fell face first into the snow that covered the ground. It was the middle of December after all, a whole year since he and Rick had split up. The snow was pure and bright, covering everything, making it like a vast ice land. By now the stars had come out, the sky was slowly darkening, by now it was black with a pinkish orange fading into the distance. Kevin was wearing nothing but his long sleeved sweater his mother had insisted on and some baby blue jogging pants. Yes, he was freezing but he couldn't seem to move so he laid back in the snow and let his baby do as it liked.
His eye lids slipped shut.
His breath became evened out.
Kevin's body shut down in the dark, leaving him worn out, alone and helpless.


]It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time

Kevin didn't make it home that night, or the next day and that was about the time his mother had began panicking in a way only Mike Mizanin could. He called everyone. No one had seen Kevin since the get together at this home. Mike hadn't even saw his baby leave, he and Alex had been cuddling in there room to block the cold out. No one noticed him slip out. Mike had called EVERYONE in a hour from Biddy to Jennifer and not one soul had put their eyes on the lanky, blond, blue eyed teenage child. The last person Mike dared call was Rick but he had to, he had to know where his baby was.
He called.
The phone rang a few time, on the third ring Sydney picked him.
"Hello?"
"Hey baby! Its momma, will you put Rick on the phone?" Mike chewed his lip.
Sydney seemed confused, her voice showed as much as Mike listened to her hand Rick the phone and tell him who it was.
"Hello?" Rick's voice was just as confused if not more so.
"Rick! Have you seen Kevin?"
A pause. "No....Why Mike? Is something wrong?" Sure he had on an act of "I dont give a fuck" But Mike knew his baby, he knew he was scared.
"We can't find him, he is gone...I just...Fuck. If you see him grab him and keep him until I get there." Mike instructed.
Rick didn't answer, already out the door looking for his exlover without another word to his mother, Sydney, or Zac.

[b]I miss your tan skin, your sweet smile
So good to me, so right
And how you held me in your arms that September night
The first time you ever saw me cry

Rick didn't take long to find him at the pace he was looking. Rick was panicking just as much, if not more than Mike was. When he stumbled upon Kevin the boy was staring into space, lips tinted blue, clashing with his creamy white skin. Rick was by his side in seconds, lifting Kevin in his arms. His fingers found Kevin's eye lids, carefully holding them open and looking into them.
"Kevin? Baby??"
No response.
Rick took off his coat and wrapped it around Kevin, he was wearing two of them but one he kept on and pulled Kevin to his chest, pressing him there and covering him with his arms, his whole body, trying to put warmth back into the love of his notlife.
"K-Kevin....please baby...."
Only response was small gasps.
"Sweetness? Kevin...."
Ocean blue eyes fluttered open, staring up at Rick.
"Hi...."
"O-Oh Kevin....K-Kevin." Rick held him closer, cooing to him worriedly, standing and trying to move forward through the snow and get Kevin home.
It was silent for most time, until Kevin finally coughed and looked at Rick with his glazed eyes.
"R-Re-Rem-Remember R-Rick?"
"Oh! Kevin? Baby? What is it?" He stopped and looking down at the freezing bundle in his arms.
"Y-You r-remember....W-We first met...."
A soft sigh in which Rick trudged on, nodding. "I can't ever forget....I dream about it alot..." He dreamed of Kevin every night.
"Y-You were gorgeous.....Skin s-so tan....Eyes so b-blue....Y-You remember? Y-You made love to me....H-Held me....let me cry to you..." Kevin smiled fondly at the memory.
"I remember Kevin....You were upset....but still so amazingly beautiful...So sweet and innocent...Still are." He nodded, giving a relieved sigh as Mike's home came into view. But by the time he looked back down.
Kevin's eyes were shut. Chest not moving. He was perfectly still and peaceful...
Rick let out a strangled sob, tripping himself as he ran to the house.
M-Mike!!! M-Mo-Momma!!!" His screams cut through the silence of the night while Mike ran from his house, taking Kevin from Rick and running him inside, leaving Rick as a shuddering ball of tears in front of his house.

Maybe this is wishful thinking
Probably mindless dreaming
But if we loved again, I swear I'd love you right

Mike took Kevin inside while Alex rushed outside to gather Rick in his arms and carry him in, warming his friend up while Mike ran around trying to put life back into his baby.
Nothing.
Rick was throwing A fit, fighting Alex to get to his exlover and after ten minutes he succeeded. Mike was sure it was over, Kevin was...gone.
Rick refused to believe this, his shook his head and snatched Kevin's prone form away from his mother. "No! No!!!"
He shook his head viciously, hiccuping as he laid Kevin down, leaning over him he pinched his nose, took a deep intake of breath, and pressed their lips together in something akin to a kiss of death, Ricks warm pink lips, representing a love that was, against Kevin's blue frozen ones, representing the love that was smothered out.
But maybe it wasn't too late.
A few more tried of that, Rick screaming at him to get up and smacking his chest, Kevin gave a sputtering start, coughing harshly, his chest heaving violently but he was breaking, sucking in air greedily.
"KEVIN! OH KEVIN!!" Rick cried, pressing Kevin to his chest, his warm tears falling into his lovers hair. Mike couldn't pry Kevin away from him and in reality, he really didn't want to. He worked around Rick, checking his baby and gathering blankets for them while Rick cried and Kevin simply breathed.

I'd go back in time and change it, but I can't
So if the chain is on your door, I understand

Three hours later they were seated comfortably infront of a cozy fire, Rick sitting up, holding Kevin around the waist, his chin on Kevin's shoulder. The smaller man was leaning back into his exhusbands arms, tiredly watching the flames dance the dance of warmth around the fire. All was quiet, Mike and Alex having gone to bed and left them alone. Silence was only broken when Rick's tired snores filled the room. Kevin gave a small smile, he sat and felt Rick behind him, loving that feeling but he knew it was only a matter of time before the sweet fairy tale he was in, was broken by the evil witch Sydney. Kevin didn't want to move but he wanted to record his thoughts about this, he needed to. He reached on the coffee table for his note book and a pen, chewing his lip and listening to his lovers soft, deep breaths as he scribbled, stopping several times in a minute to give his frozen limbs time to regain control. Two and a half hours later he slipped the note into his coat pocket and lets himself drift away on a current of dreams of tan skin and bright blue eyes. What he didn't know was that he had slipped that note into the wrong pocket, he was wearing a jacket, Rick's jacket, Rick was wearing a jacket, his jacket, and Kevin had slipped it into the coat Rick was wearing.
An innocent mistake made by a tired man who was love sick.

This is me swallowing my pride
Standing in front of you, saying I'm sorry for that night
And I go back to December

That morning Rick had to go. He didn't know what he would do, He wanted to be with Kevin but Sydney...How could he leave her twice. Kevin was still asleep, laying on a pallet in front of the fire. Mike made his breakfast with a worried gaze, Alex wouldn't leave his son's side. Rick walked out of the house with a heavy heart. He was on his way home, hands in his pockets, shivering as the cold creeped in on him again. His hand felt something and it being his jacket, pulled out the perfectly folded paper and looked it over curiously.
What was this and why was it in his jacket?
Rick didnt wanna get home just yet so he climbed a tree, sat atop a branch and opened the note, his eyes widening at the familiar scrawl of his exhusband.

Dear Rick,

I was wrong. I was so wrong. Its late, your asleep. I don't know why I was out there tonight, I just needed to get away from it all. I know I have made the biggest mistake of my life....well...Im dead but still. I thought we would be better apart and maybe you are, thats all I want but I miss you, everything is not complete without you. I wake up alone in the morning, wondering where you are when it all comes crashing down. I pushed you away, I told you we were wrong and maybe we are but how can something so wring feel so right? I don't understand but I have always been a naive boy. Maybe Im just not seeing it, but then again, maybe I just don't want to see that me and you are not mean to be? I think that might be what it is with me. I figured it wouldnt be too bad to live without you, I had done it for seventeen years but since being with you, now I see freedom aint nothing but missing you, wanting to tell you im sorry, im SO SO SORRY about what I said that night, how I let you go like some stupid ass idiot. Truth is there isnt a night where your not in my dreams. I sleep with your pillow and a picture of you beside me. Usually when im alone every thing fades and im back there to the first time we made love, im back there and im happy or im back to last December when I broke it off and I know I was wrong for that night. Thats a painful thing to think about, im usually trying like a baby when I snap out of it. I just...Your here again and I know you will be gone by tomorrow so I wanted you to know this. Well...Kinda...I dont plan on giving this to you, I dont want you to feel like you have to come home to me I just....I miss you and I love you and im sorry...so Sorry.

Forever yours,
Kevin Noah Riley

It turns out freedom ain't nothing but missing you
Wishing I'd realized what I had when you were mine
I go back to December, turn around and make it alright
I go back to December, turn around and change my own mind
I go back to December all the time, all the time