Mumblings Of A Monster.

Quincy - Age 6
Today was bad. Very bad. Daddy left again today, going back to the army like he does because my daddy is a hero. He kissed us all goodbye, coarse me and Quinton were throwing a fit, Dustin wanted to but he was the man of the house with daddy gone so he had to be all strong and not crying even though we all three knew what would happen as soon as his taxi pulled out of our drive way. And we were right. Momma hit me, it hurt but im fine, im a big boy but it upset Quinton so he cried harder and momma hit him too. She is so mean to us. She was screaming about how it was our fault daddy always left and how she didn't want us and how if not for daddy she would kill us. Dustin of course got pissed because she was hitting us, we fight alot but he is a really good big brother. He got in momma's face about it. She told us to go to our rooms. We did. We could hear Daffy crying from our rooms, we curled up in the corner and waited for him to come in. His screaming didn't stop for almost an hour and a half. When they did Daffy crawled into the room's. It was scary. He was bleeding from everywhere it looked like and his always tan skin was all....Blue and purple. He had these long lashes across his back that made Quinton cry harder. Dustin sat with us, hugged us and let us cry on him. I guess thats just how a big brother is. Anyways, its like.....eleven. I was supposed to be asleep by eight. If momma finds me up ill get a whipping. I miss daddy.


Quincy - Age 7
Today was just fucking bad. I love my brother Quinton. Dad said when people loved each other they kissed to show it. Well today I fell and got hurt while riding my bike and Quinton comes over, kisses it better and then kisses me..on the lips.
Momma saw and let me tell you show was no pleased. She screamed at us, picked up a stick and threw it at us! Hit us and when she got over to us she beat us with it!! She took us inside and locked us in separate rooms, screaming at someone on the phone.
The next day when I woke up Quinton was gone. I had slept in the attic without food or water or anything and when I was let out he was just gone and the next day I was sent away too. I was taken to a military school, the conditions were bad and every day we were beat up and trained to be tough. I gathered that Quinton was sent off too. I don't know how long I am going to be here but I hope im not here for too long because im ready to go home. I want my twin brother, I want my big brother, I want my father,
I want my mother to burn in hell.
I have to go, lights out at seven.


Quincy - Age 11
the other night I could hear momma and daddy fighting. He had found out what she did to us when he was away and he was not happy with her for it. They were screaming. He wanted a divorce and apparently she refused to give him one. That night apparently when Daddy was asleep, momma got a hammed and beat dad in the head with it, she used the side that had like
a pick axe thing on the end. Daddy was dead of course. Momma called the cops herself and Daffy was the one to walk in and find dad's body there. That was one of the only times I had ever seen my brother cry like that. He always had been daddy's man. The cops took momma away and we were sent to live at our grand mothers house. Dad's funeral is in a day, I have to go now, I think I hear Dustin crying again.
I dont want him to cry alone. Oh! And before I forget, momma is serving only FIVE YEARS!! She killed my dad and she is only getting FIVE YEARS. Fuck the system.


Quincy - Age 17
Today I was out. It was after work and God knows momma just had to have us over for dinner. When I got there not only did she have us but she had some other guests. One of these being a very pretty girl. She had long brown hair and bright green eyes. She seemed to like be pretty good to, while I was there she was by my side the whole time. I want to settle with someone like that, someone who is going to be around for me whenever I need them and she seemed like the type of girl that would do that. Dustin had his boyfriend with him of coarse but I like Mike, he is sweet and funny. He and Jennifer seemed to like each other okay too but then again Mike likes every one. Not like he is a whore or anything but he is always nice and sweet. He is just awesome like that. Quinton was here with Danny, his lover he had apparently met when he was at war. I miss him so much when he is gone. I always depend on having him around when I need him and now he is just gone all the time. It hurts but im fine im a big man, a GROWN man. I dont need his help anymore. Jennifer wanted to come back to my place and I left her of course. We had sex on my bed, it was amazing. She is so adorable when she sleeps, I need to cuddle her. I think I will.


Quincy - Age 18
You will never guess what Jen just told me!(Damn I sound like im talking to someone) But you know how a few weeks ago I met her and this and that stuff? Well she came to me today and she is PREGNANT! Im going to be a daddy! God! I have always wanted a kid! This is going to be so amazing and Jennifer is so sweet. Im so going to marry her one day but right now all I can think of is im going to be a daddy....Imma be a damn good one too! Just you wait, ill be just as good of a daddy as mine was but I wont always be gone like he was. Ill be home to love them and take thing to school and feed them and everything! Hell im even excited about changing diapers! Ha! But really I have never wanted something as bad as I want this. I never thought I woulds have a baby at this age but apparently I am and I can't wait! I have to go now, me and Jen are going to buy stuff for the baby....wait....Is it a boy or girl? Damn! New plans, now I got to go tell Jen we have to wait until we do this. Oh well, ill just go gush about her having my little boy or girl. Either is just fine by me.


Quincy - Age 20
Yesterday My baby was killed. He was beautiful. I named him Titan, he was so beautiful. One year old. I had made the mistake of leaving him alone with Jennifer while I went to go get out dinner for the night and what do I come back to? My baby was laying on his crib, I picked him up as soon as I saw him. I knew something was wrong when I came home and he didnt greet me. He always waits for me to come home. Im nor sure what happened to him so I had a break down, I was screaming and crying and trying to get to a hospital and all this time, I never noticed how cal Jennifer was. The hospital said my child was dead from trauma to the head. I wanted to know how that could happen. Someone dropping or shaking him too much. I went home and told Jennifer and what did she tell me? She said he wouldnt shut up and quit crying so she shut him up herself. She killed my baby, my fucking baby! Its all my fault for leaving her alone. I knew she was irritable but I never thought she would kill. Im getting her help for it and I haven't told the cops what she did yet. I can't....
(The words ran together, wet with Quincy's tears)


Quincy - Age 22
I married Jennifer a week ago. I don't think I have forgiven her for killing my baby yet and I probably never will. I mean, I loved that child, he was everything to me. He was so beautiful too. He looked like me but with Jennifer's green eyes. I slept with him and I fed him, she didn't do shit! I don't know why she had to kill him I mean....He was just a fucking baby...My fucking baby and now he is gone because of that bitch. Fuck now I feel bad. I just married the girl and im already calling her a bitch. Actually im not sure why I married her. I proposed when she had said she was pregnant and I just never took it back, it never crossed my mind to and now I wish I did. I don't even like her anymore. She is so fucking mean to me and my family. Momma likes her but I don't give a fuck what momma thinks, momma is one of the worst things to happen to me right alone with Jennifer. They are so much alike with how cruel they are and that's scary. Most men could say their bride was gorgeous and it was one of the best days of there life but not me. no, not me. I didn't like her then and I sure as hell HATE her now.
I have to go, the bitch is calling me.


Quincy - Age 23
Today Dustin's body was found. He has been missing for like a week and today they found his body. Apparently he was going to get Quinton from the air port and he got into the big wreck and no one noticed until now. The whole truck had been on fire. They said they wouldnt have ever known it was him without having the listens plate on the truck. The body is all charred ans shit but the thing is...Dustin is gone. I never thought it would happen. He was always here for me no matter what I had done to him that day. Quinton is heart broken, thinks its all his fault because Dustin was on his way to pick him up when it happened. I don't know what im going to do with Dustin...


Quincy - Age 24
She is pregnant again! Hell yes! And this time I wont let her kill this one, ill fucking murder her if she even seems mean to this one! She said she is like maybe a month along now, she just took a test. She doesn't seemed to thrilled but she is a bitch so she wouldn't be. Im so tired of her but right now all that matters is im getting a second chance as a daddy and this time imma keep my baby safe no matter what! Just watch that bitch try and hurt my baby....I dont know what I would do if she did. I don't think I can take losing another one it would just kill me you know? Well no you dont because your a sheet of fucking paper I insist on writing to but still! Fuck now I sound retarded thanks a lot. The bottom line is Jennifer is pregnant and this time imma have my baby with me.


Quincy - Age 24
I killed my child. Me and Jennifer got into a fight a few nights ago. I had never put my hands on here before but she was hitting me! By now she had picked up this skillet and was banging me over the head with it and I finally just fucking pushed her and she fell down. Apparently I made her hurt her stomach because she held her belly and started crying. She refused to let me touch her so I just ler her be for a while. I wanted to take her to a hospital and she agreed but she wouldn't let me go with her. She called my mom and they went together and she came home saying the baby was gone. I had killed it. Im a murderer, I deserved to die instead of my precious baby. I cannot believe I hurt my own child, what kind of father? No what kind of man would do such a thing? I should be strung up and killed for it, I should be punished, I should go to hell! I have never wanted to die like I do right now. All I can do is pamper Jennifer and pray for her forgiveness....I swear I wont EVER hit her or another women again no matter what. Ill let a lady kill me before I raise a hand to her.


Quincy - Age 26
Jennifer is pregnant again!!! She actually just had him, I havent been able to write lately. I have been to excited and busy with the new baby. But yes, she had it and he is coming home in two days. He is so beautiful. His hair looks like this perfect golden blond. And his eyes, he has Jennifer's big green eyes that catch every little thing. He has my nose and lips and my facial structure. He has Jennifer's eye shape. He is so amazing, and he is so active and adorable. I have never been so relived to see a baby. Titan was so precious....I loved him with all my heart but after losing two children this means everything to me. Seeing this baby grow up will be the high light of my life and when I die he will carry on the McDaniels name. I have to go right now because Jennifer wants me and she is screaming and she is upsetting the baby.

P.S. Jennifer hates him so I need to be careful but im naming him Quaid. Daddy wanted to name me that but momma threw a fit for the Quincy and Quinton thing because we were twins and it was just so cute. I hate that women sometimes.


Quincy - Age 26
Thats it, my life is over. I hate Jennifer. I want to kill her. I hope she dies a horrible painful death, I don't care how. I just brought Quaid home, I made the mistake of leaving to get him another blanket. I left her alone with him and Quinton. They knocked Quinton out with only God knows what and then, Jennifer drew a bath, put my child in the water, and left. She didn't bother to even drown it, she let the poor thing be helpless. SHE VIDEO TAPED IT!!! He was trying to hard to stay above the water, a little baby not even two weeks old GONE because Jennifer is a crazy fucking bitch. Im done with her right damn now. I wont have her here anymore. I will do whatever I can to make her hurt as bad as I am. NOTHING can ever feel like I do right now I don't give a damn what happens to you. I just lost my baby....Its wrong. Your children are supposed to bury you, your not supposed to bury your kids. I was ready to go first. I was always ready to go first since the first time I laid eyes on Titan.....


Quincy - Age 31
Well Im dead now so yay me. At least Jennifer isnt here to bother me. She tried to kill like three times. She actually was the thing I died from. Apparently she had talked to my beloved mother *coughbitchcough* about how she killed daddy and BAM Jennifer is planning to kill me. Why? Because I was planning to put her in the loonyben and I would have if I was still there but back to my death. I don't really remember a lot, just that it really hurt. It was late at night I know because I heard the gun go off and I felt pain in my chest. I sat up and I was bleeding and then a heard another shot, this time pain stabbed my stomach. I looked up and there was Jennifer, gun in hand, evil look in here dark green eyes. I immediately got out of the bed and took the gun from her and she was off again. I was sitting there, trying to blot the bleeding and putting the gun away when she fucking runs in here with a KNIFE!! She stabbed in the neck with it, cut through my jugular and I bleed out and soon I had just bleed to death and it was all over like that. Nothing I could do. I knew she would get me one day, I just didnt think it would be so soon or so painful. For a small girl she is sadistic. I fucking hate her. Anyways im at Mike's house. You know Mike Mizanin? The guy my brother dated fro fucking like seven years? Yeah, he found me and took me home with him and guess what? Daffy is here too!!! I missed him so fucking much. Right now im happier than I have ever been. Daffy dosent live here with Mike but he is taking care of one of Mike's kids...and apparently one thats his too, It must be that one Mike lost, I didnt really ask but I need to go, the little guy is bugging me.
I love children


Quincy - Age 31
Mike is amazing, we kinda have been dating for a few weeks now. Alex is with Lane and he is heart broken so he decided to give me a shot at being his lover. I can't tell him but lately I have just had like....One minute im me and the next im a whole different person. I think I need to go and checked by a doctor before whoever I keep turning into does something bad. God forbid I do anything to hurt Mike. He has been so good to me. I started living with Dustin but he was over there so much and we talked and im in love. This is the first time I have actually been in love. I find that I never loved Jennifer but with Mike he is so sweet and so nice and he is trying to hard to be a good momma and he is studying to be a doctor and he is just awesome at it all. I mean, its sad because sometimes he dosent even have the strength to get out of bed because Alex loves Lane now but he is getting better about it all. I hope to one day replace Alex and put that smile back on Mike's face. Like the one he had when he was young and with Dustin. He was so fucking happy....


Quincy - Age 31
I forgot to get that thing that kept making me bad checked on and wouldnt you know? I raped Mike. I dont know what in the hell happened. I just woke up in bed next to him and apparently I raped him and then I remembered doing it and that just wasnt me. He was so upset, apparently I hurt him pretty bad.He cant even look at me without bursting into tears, but that was a week ago, yeah, today he ca to me and guess what? He is pregnant. And he doesn't want it and I feel like the worst man in the world. Im worse than Jennifer! I mean I want a baby but I didnt want one bad enough to hurt the poor man like this. I just...I dont know whats wrong with me, I have never been like this. I need something to save me I guess but never before have I needed someones help with anything...I don't like needing it but right now, after this I know I do and ill be waiting for my savior if there is someone who can save me. Anyways, im trying to make up for it but there is no way, he is so upset, all he does is cry...He feels like he cheated on Alex I guess, im not sure.

Quincy - Age 32
Today I said hello to Aaron Easton McDaniel's. Weird name huh? Either way he is just so precious. I can tell that Mike, even though he denies it, doesn't like him and doesn't want him because he is not Alex's and what I did to get him which im still not sure how I did that or why, I was honest when I said I have no idea what came over me but back to the birth of my son. I know this one will be okay, I know even if Mike doesn't want him he wont even hurt him like Jennifer did. I have the son I always wanted and im happy with him, I truly am. He has my eyes, Mike's cheeks and then most of Aaron looks like me with only a tad of Mikey thrown into the mix. Like I said, we made one hell of a kid as it seems. I need to go right now though, Aaron is crying and Mike is too so....

Quincy - Age 34
Im tired of this, I am a MONSTER, I don't know what keeps happening to me, im just...Its not me when this happens. I would never even dream of hurting Kevin, he is a friend, I think of him like a son kinda and he is Mike's baby but lately I admit I have been molesting him. He is only like...not old at all, I mean he is six at the most but really I think he is five. I just cannot believe what I have done to him. He is so sweet and always sick and fragile and im hurting him, using him to get off. I don't fuck him or anything, it hasn't gone that far yet, he just sucks me off. Well I make him do it. I need therapy or something but im to stubborn to go get it, you know me, well you should know me by now. Thanks for listening to my stupid ramblings.

Quincy - Age 35
Today I watched a group of kids pick on Aaron. He is five years old now, im proud of him but this is hard. People know that I raped Mike, they know he is the byproduct of that and they are so cruel to him. I just watched and listened to them call him names, exclude him from playing and then throw rocks at him until he ran away from outside the kitchen window. He ran into our back yard. I went and got him, held him and loved him like I do and he just cried. I am sure he knows this is all my fault, I hope he does, they have no right to treat him like this, it was not his fault what I did but apparently he is paying for it. I don't know what im going to do, im thinking of calling Mike to tell him but I don't wanna upset him right now, things have been really hard on him lately and he is just not in any state to deal with me or Aaron or Kevin or Dewayne. I have Aaron and Dustin had Dewayne and Kevin right now. Mike still comes to see us, he lives here he just stays at his home a lot of the time. I dont even know anymore, I just know my son is being hurt because of me and I fucking hate it.

Quincy - Age 37
Today was different, I went out to that park I like so much and I met a boy there. All I can say is he was probably the most adorable kid I have ever seen. His name was Zac, he had mind blowing blue eyes and shiny black hair. He was a cutter, I kinda told him what I think about cutting; I have it you know? I think its stupid and just something I cannot deal with. I would not ever be a cutter, most I would do was just kill myself, not just cut, the first cut would be the death strike and thats all there is to it but I don't want that boy dead or whatever, I liked him alot. He was special, he made me feel like no one else ever has. I know I can't ever have anything with this kid, but I wish I could. He is so...I don't even know that word for him. His name fit him, like I said it was Zac, Zac Evans McGuire and guess what? He is KEVIN'S son! There is no way in hell I can ever have anything with him, not after what all I have done to his mother but I can wish can't I? I feel like maybe, if it were possible, he could save me from the monster I have become but I don't want him to, someone like him just cannot afford to be like a monster like me.

Quincy - Age 37
I was wrong, apparently I can have something with this boy because we have been dating for a while now and tonight he...He had me take his virginity. I didn't want to, not because I don't love him but he is so small and so young. I didn't want to hurt him which I obviously did but he seemed happy with it so I guess its alright, I hope so anyways. I have never felt like this with anyone. I mean...Not even Mike and he was the closed I had ever come to being in love. Maybe that's what this is? Love....I am in love I think but I can't be sure yet, it will only take a few more weeks and ill see but I think I am. Actually I know I am but I just wont admit it yet. Stubborn ass ain't I? I get it from Dustin in sure. Anyways, tonight was magical and im sure I will rememver it for the rest of my days.

Quincy - Age 37
I was wrong apparently. We cannot have anything. He left, he made love with me and now he is gone. I have never felt like this before, I feel to heart broken. All I can seem to do is cry lately and I don't cry much. I know its scaring Aaron and I hate it but I can't help it. I know now that yes, I had fallen in love with that boy and now it was over. I guess he was just one of those guys, the one who got what he wanted and left? Apparently he wanted a fuck, he was fucking and I was trying to make love to him. I was silly to think I had found a savior, I had found someone to keep me happy where I wont do stupid shit anymore but its over, I don't know what I did wrong of if I did anything wrong and he just got tired or he wanted someone younger than me. It could be so many things but I feel so...Its hard to explain. Its like since he is gone my heart just throbs and constricts in my cheat, shrivels up and dies, kinda just keeps on and im scared that sooner or later it will crack, shatter, and fall into my stomach.
Where is Zac?....
Why did he leave?
I love him...

Quincy - Age 38
Alright, Zac just gave birth to seven healthy little babies. We were due for eight but the last one was steel born but thats alright. I have my Precious and I have my seven babies to take home with me and I have never been so happy. He came to be a while after he just up and left and told me he was pregnant. I was thrilled and Im still thrilled, im a daddy and one day im going to be a husband to this boy, I love him with all my heart and....He has given me so much. He just gave me babies and he is giving me his heart and im going to take care of it all. We had two baby girls, Vikki and Colbie and six boys, Riley, Sean, Brayden, Hayden and Gabriel. The one that died we named Angel and im sure we will get him back one day. Zac was heart broken he didn't make it, I know what it feels like to lose a kid, of course you know that....
I have to go cuddle with Zac, you know? Hold him and love him until he is sleeping then I can go see the kids but right now, my lover calls.

Quincy - Age 39
Today I proposed to Zac and....
He said yes.
I have never been so just....Okay having the kids was one of the most precious moments of my like or death but this was very close. Zac means everything to me, and he is going to be my husband. He is going to be fine forever and ever and all I can do is gush and kiss him and cuddle him. Right now he is sleeping, we just made love and he is all tired so im letting him sleep and I need to sleep too but I had to jot this down really quick just to put it on record. He will be Zac McDaniel's. He is mine forever now, to have and to hold and all of that but the main point is that he is MINE.


Quincy - Age 40
Today I hit Zac, not as hard as I could have but it was hard and I now hate myself. I have proved myself to be a monster and I just don't know anymore. Its apparent he is afraid of me now. I just want to crawl into a hole and die, he had hit the most precious thing in his life and I regret it more than anything almost. I want him to leave me, I know I cant leave him. I want him to leave me and never look back. I hurt him and I just don't understand how I could do this to him. If he left maybe he would be better off but...
I just don't know....