Application To Date My Son

Alright I found this and thought it was amusing. I didn’t write the application and take no credit for it! But I did write the fic going along with it and the answers. Enjoy.
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Alex handed over the few page long booklet to Rick.
Rick laughed and shook his head.
“Alex, never thought you’d be such a protective father.”
“Well I am. You fill that out or you ain’t comin within twenty feet of Kev.”
“You’re serious?”
“Completely.”
Rick groaned as he flipped through the papers.
“Alright I’ll be back in the morning. Tell Kev I love him.” Rick sighed and walked out the door cursing his old friend under his breath.
He got home, sat on the couch, pulled out a pen and began reading the papers. He read it and filled it out as he went.
“APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY SON.
NAME: Rick Cameron McGuire
DATE OF BIRTH: August 24th
HEIGHT: 5 feet 11 inches
WEIGHT: 212 pounds
IQ: How the hell should I know?
GPA: You know this one, Lex. 3.8
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES: None. WTF Alex?
Do you have parents? Yes
Is one male and the other female? You have no right to be asking this Alex but you know they are.
ACCESSORIES SECTION:
Do you own or have access to a van? Yes
A waterbed? No… jesus, Lex
A pickup with a mattress in the back? Haha, yeahhh
A tattoo? Nope
Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring? (IF YOU ANSWERED YES TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION IMMEDIATELY) No, but I have a piercing on my ass Which YOU made me get so it don’t count.
ESSAY SECTION:
In 50 words or less, what does “Late” mean to you?
Ass. I’m not writing fifty words about this stupid shit.
In 50 words or less, what does “DON’T TOUCH MY SON” mean to you?
Fuck off, he’s pregnant with my son. I’ve already touched him dip shit
In 50 words or less, what does “Abstinence” mean to you?
Haha Lex, you know for a fact that word isn’t in my vocabulary.
REFERENCES SECTION:
Church you attend:
Uhh, none.
How often you attend?
Neverrr
When would be the best time to interview your:
Father?
Alex you’ve met him.
Mother?
Met him.
Pastor?
DON’T GO TO CHURCH FOR THE THIRD TIME
SHORT ANSWER SECTION:
If I were shot, the last place I would want to be shot would be:
Uh, I dunno? The face? Yeah. The face cause its sexy as fuck.
If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:
Dick! Wait, is that a bone? I dunno. Oh well.. If its not then… my arm or something… what kinda question is this anyways?
The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:
Uhm, my sex life haha… wait, you already know about that. Shit.
When I meet a guy, the thing I always notice about him is:
His hair… I dunno why. And smiles are nice too.
What is the current going rate of a hotel room?
$200 a night… shit I shouldn’t know that should I?

I SWEAR THAT ALL THE INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT, NATIVE AMERICAN ANTI TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, AND RED HOT POKERS.
___Rick Cameron McGuire_________________________________
Your Signature