To Date Devin, You Get Pass Daddy Dustin.

Dustin glared at Lane, handing him a stack of paper, holding his loaded rifle in the other. "Now, you go and fill that out and give it back. ill get back to you when your done. "
Lane looked at the thick document and shook his head incredulously.
"Are you shitting me?"
Dustin shook his head. "Hell no, im serious as a heart attack would be if we were alive. You sign it or Devin wont be back over at that house with you or too see you at all ya hear?"
Lane cursed at him, snatching the papers and glaring at Dustin.
"Fine damnit, ill be back later, let your son know that his psycho crazy father has me signing shit to love him."
Dustin shook his head.
"No, your just signing to date, the loving one is much, much longer." He smiled politely at Lane, sitting back down and starting to clean his gun.
Lane got to his home and sat the documents on the table, taking his time with feeding himself and his dogs and showering before coming into the room to see the papers.
He groaned, wrapping the towel around his waist and picking up a pen from the place he did his bills. He sat at the stool on his small bar table and picked up the documents, going through it.
APPLICATION FOR PERMISSION TO DATE MY DAUGHTER
Print out and submit as per instructions at the bottom of the form.

GENERAL INFORMATION:

NAME______________Lane Christopher McCormick_______________________DATE OF BIRTH______June 15 is(Smile Power Day)_______
HEIGHT_____6'0______
WEIGHT_____220_______
IQ____253______
GPA______5.0_______
SOCIAL SECURITY #_______378363__________
DRIVERS LICENSE #______46364__________
BOY SCOUT RANK AND BADGES___________________Highest you can go?______________
HOME ADDRESS__________39573 Death Doorstwep_____________
CITY/STATE______You know that dumb ass_____
ZIP__32628____
Do you have parents? _*__Yes ___No
Is one male and the other female? __*_Yes ___No
If “No”, explain: __________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
Number of years they have been married ____________70__________________If less than your age, explain________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________

ACCESSORIES SECTION:

A. Do you own or have access to a van? __Yes _*_No

B. A truck with over sized tires? _*_Yes __No

C. A water bed? _*_Yes __No

D. A pickup with a mattress in the back? __Yes _*_No

E. A tattoo? _*(Of your sons name you ass)_Yes __No

F. Do you have an earring, nose ring, pierced tongue, pierced cheek or a belly button ring?__Yes _*_No

(IF YOU ANSWERED 'YES' TO ANY OF THE ABOVE, DISCONTINUE APPLICATION AND LEAVE PREMISES IMMEDIATELY. I SUGGEST RUNNING.)

ESSAY SECTION:

In 50 words or less, what does 'LATE' mean to you?_________________________________Means we lost track of time and you will deal with it. God Dustin, im older than you, ill take care of him, you know that!_____

In 50 words or less, what does 'DON'T TOUCH MY SON' mean to you?__________________________________Nothing at all anymore since I have already touched him?_______

In 50 words or less, what does 'ABSTINENCE' mean to you?_______________________Means someone is waiting for the right time and you should butt out.______

REFERENCES SECTION:

Church you attend _____________________I dont______________________________
How often you attend ____________________________Never____________________
When would be the best time to interview your:Father? ______Any, but you know him._______
Mother? ______Again you know her but whatever_______
Pastor? ______Go fuck your religious self Dustin_______


SHORT­ ANSWER SECTION:

Answer by filling in the blank. Please answer freely, all answers are confidential.

A. If I were shot, the last place I would want shot would be:___________________________Uh....The abdomen?______________________

B. If I were beaten, the last bone I would want broken is my:__________________________Knee, femur...Why? Like you could hurt me_______________

C. A Submissive Man's place is in the:_________________________Bed next to me if I love them____

D. The one thing I hope this application does not ask me about is:____________Alex Riley__

E. What do you want to do IF you grow up?___________________Im grown__________

F.When I meet a girl or boy, the thing I always notice about her firs?t__The eyes and the lips______

G.What is the current going rate of a hotel room? ________56 a night I think?__________

I SWEAR THAT ALL INFORMATION SUPPLIED ABOVE IS TRUE AND CORRECT TO THE BEST OF MY KNOWLEDGE UNDER PENALTY OF DEATH, DISMEMBERMENT,NATIVE AMERICAN ANT TORTURE, CRUCIFIXION, ELECTROCUTION, CHINESE WATER TORTURE, RED HOT POKERS, AND HILLARY CLINTON KISS TORTURE!!!

Signature (that means your name,
moron)_______________Lane Christopher McCormick______________________________

Mother's Signature __________Vivian McCall______________________
Father's Signature__________Chris McCormick_____________________
Pastor/Priest/Rabbi_______________Fuck you Dustin_______________
State Representative/Congressman _________....Lane McCormick you ass________________

Thank you for your interest. Please allow 4 to 6 weeks for processing. You will be
contacted in writing if
you are approved. Please do not attempt to call or write. If your application is
rejected you will be
notified by two gentlemen wearing white coats and carrying a violin case.
APPLICANT'S RIGHT THUMB PRINT IN BLOOD

Daddy's Rules for Dating

Rule One:

If you pull into my driveway and honk, you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Lane blinked at the paper, raising a brow at the rules but shrugged and kept on reading.


Rule Two:

You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at him, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my son's body, I will remove them.

Lane shook his head lightly, muttering things about Dustin's crazy ass/


Rule Three:

I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear their trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open-minded about this issue, so I Propose this compromise: You may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes don't, in fact come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

"I don't do that and he knows this!" Lane growled, getting irritated.


Rule Four:

I'm sure you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a 'Barrier method' of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

"Fucking bastard couldnt hurt me, he has tried, I kick his ass." Lane knew this and thought to himself how dumb Dustin must be


Rule Five:

It is usually understood that in order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is: 'early.'

Lane rolled his eyes. "We are friends, we call each other just to talk stupid."


Rule Six:

I have no doubt you are a popular fellow with many opportunities to date other girls and boys. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my son. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little cowboy, you will continue to date no one but him until he is finished with you. If you make him cry, I will make you cry.

Lane chuckled, "And I will make you shit your pants." He smirked to no one



Rule Seven:

As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my son to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process than can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

"I might since you suck ass at changing oil." He spoke softly, making notes in his head.


Rule Eight:

•The following places are not appropriate for a date with my son:


•Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool.


•Places where there is darkness.


•Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness.


•Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my son to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka - zipped up to her throat.


•Movies with strong romantic or sexual themes are to be avoided; movies which feature chain saws are okay.
Hockey games are okay. Old folks’ homes are better.

Lance simply crossed the whole rule out and doodled a dick over it.


Rule Nine:

Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a slow, potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my son, I am the all-knowing, merciless god of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

"And I have the same, but im bigger and badder and you don't scare me." Lance growled


Rule Ten:

Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy near Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway, you should exit the car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my cowboy home safely and early, then return to your car - there is no need for you to come inside.The camouflaged face at the window is mine.

Lane simply brushed the papers off the desk and stood, stretched and went to bed, deciding this was bull shit and he did not have to do it because there was nothing Dustin could do to scare him.
He finished them a month later when he had been not been permitted to see his lover because of his psycho Red neck father.